One Year Later...

A year ago after driving three and a half hours for a job interview only to find out the interviewer completely forgot about me and without so much as a phone call was told the position had already been filled. Irritated and angry, I realized another position I had barely applied for the day before was only a couple miles away and thought to followup in person. On the way I saw this:

It may not look like much, but after 18 months of living in Idaho I thought, "They're so green!" and really felt like I was coming home.

I interviewed on the spot and a couple hours out of town I was told I have a new job but had to start in two weeks which didn't leave a lot of time to save up. Fortunately we already had a bit, just enough for a deposit, first months, and a uhaul. The kids and I would move ahead leaving my husband behind to await a transfer to a plant 15 minutes away. All would be good.

I was wrong. My husband never did get that transfer and after a month of being single mom in a new area, placing the psyche of my oldest daughter at risk, and receiving the run around about a transfer we felt it best if he just quit and move. His medical benefits ran out so I had to take on a permanent position at work causing a $5 pay cut so we could have benefits. With four children, one special needs, you need insurance and even with my pay cut we didn't qualify for medicaid since my husband willingly quit his job; regardless if it was best for our family and his commute time at that point was just over three hours.

After a few months, he was rehired at the local plant but no longer qualified as a rehire as it had been too long. He was a new employee and stripped of his pay increase, seniority and sick leave.

In Washington, we both made good money. Four years later I have yet to make the amount of money I did when I started out as a new nurse in Seattle. Cost of living was high but you had options. In Idaho, we both had jobs that paid a decent wage for the area. Cost of living was low, were able to start paying off credit but our older children suffered from isolation and we couldn't imagine being comfortable having our autistic child in their public school. In Utah, cost of living is high. Sure taxes may be cheaper but gas, clothing, supplies are the same as in Washington and you don't have the same options. Back in WA we were frequent flyers at Fred Meyer. We received rewards points that would translate into gas savings and even store credit once a quarter. My friend posted this earlier this week:

See that? Eighty cents off per gallon all because she shops at FM. Unfortunately the closest one to me is just over 200 miles leaving one stop savings/shopping options very limited, surprising as I live in what has arguably the greatest concentration of families in America.  Lately I've found myself asking people at work, people I know make less than I do how they survive on one income as many wives do stay at home. The answer? A shrug. It just works. But everything here seems to be more complicated as well. Take registering your car for example. The inspection is not simply a double check the VIN number inspection. Your vehicle has to pass a ten point inspection test just to be licensed and registered. So say for example your car needs new breaks, windshield wipers, tail light, and has a crack in the windshield, you have to get them all fixed before registration can happen. There is no contingency plan you either get it all done or you're out of luck. (Funnily enough next time you're in Utah and see an out of state licence plate that doesn't belong to a college student, count how many tabs are expired.)

This past year I found myself really thinking more negatively than I had for quite sometime. My husband and I both had the feeling that we had to move when we did to ensure Evie had the best opportunities in the safest environment possible. We had this blind faith, if you will, that things will work out. So why was/is it so hard?

I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I had some kind of infinite vision of what lies ahead to know that things will work out. I did find out the more I despaired the less time I had set aside for personal prayer/meditation. Instead of thinking of all the things that I missed in Washington, (family, moss, Fred Meyer) I started to t list the things I'm grateful for such as:

Evies school. I can't imagine her being anywhere else. For the first time ever, her IEP meetings were positive. They know how to reach her so that she made most of her goals this year. Although her communication is still lacking she's been able to do things I never thought possible. Help dress herself, ride a scooter with assistance, go on a balance beam, go pick something up shes thrown. I wish all autism parents could be this lucky.

Frontrunner. I love the transit system they have here. I'm grateful to be close to mass transit so I can teach my kids a valuable skill they will undoubtedly utilize when they're older.

Watching the progress of the Provo City Center Temple. For me, our temples are the one of the few places I can find comfort and peace and it's been so exciting to see how far they've come to transform a burned out historical building into one of them.

A great person to watch our kids. She is simply amazing and I'm so grateful for the little things she does for our children when she watches them. Whether it's how she recognizes their birthdays or tries to find ways for the older ones to get along, she's just... amazing. (BTW: This isn't her and these aren't my kids.)

Great music scene. Provo, who knew? But in all reality I'm grateful my daughters have local venues to go to and even go into SLC on occasion to experience live music and have that outlet.

Our church community. We happened to move into a community that has at least four other autistic children just in the immediate area. Despite Evie's echoing screams when she goes in, I've never felt unwelcome. Even when a gentleman sitting in front of us after a meeting turned and asked,"Whats wrong with your kid?" I didn't feel irritated. He asked with a sense of honesty and openness that I appreciated and I tried to answer likewise. On another occasion outside of church I had a member come up to me, tattoos showing and all, introduce herself and ask me how I was. And she meant it. We made small talk but I really appreciated her willingness to say hi outside of the church environment. And I'm grateful for the assistant Evie has during her classes. She is also an amazing woman who goes above and beyond her calling to help Evie and I am so very grateful for that. 

I could go on and on and although I miss my friends and family in both Washington and Idaho, for better or worse, Utah is not at all what I expected. Through this experience so far I've learned to be more patient and develop more gratitude. With my husband and I both employed and despite having to pay out of pocket for University books and tuition, here's to a year filled with more positive thoughts and new experiences, so long as I remain grateful. 

Community service #2

This week we went to Wheeler Farms, a 75 acre historical farm that aims to preserve the traditions of old farming from the late 19th century. There are many kinds of farm animals and outbuildings to explore along with guided tours and demonstrations of blacksmithing and yarn spinning from wool shorn from sheep on site.

This field trip was different in that we were split into two groups for guided tours. It was interesting to watch the tour guides at first be very animated, directing questions and comments towards all the kids but as soon as they figured out two of our group (my daughter included) wasn't very interactive with what was being said, their attention and questions went to the younger brother of a student. Like any "typical" three year old he showed the excitement responsiveness that one would expect from any child. At one point during the "smithy" presentation the other child in our group who I think is mostly non verbal but around ten dropped to the ground and started screaming. Like a pro, his mom took care of him and distracted him by offering to push the stroller that had his little brother in it.

After about a half hour we went on a wagon ride with a grandmother and her two-year-old who just happened to be visiting the farm that day. She asked if the kids went to a special school and we were able to talk briefly about it. It was refreshing as she didn't add the "my friends cousins sisters best friends daughter/son has autism" comment. I know people mean well but one thing is for certain, no two autistic children are the same. I don't feel I can relate on a personal level with anyone that has an autistic child if they can talk. Not having a solid means of communication I feel is the biggest hinderance to any child. You don't know why they're having a bad day, you don't know if someone has done something to them or neglected them which is the major reason why we moved out of state so she can go to this school.

Community Service

My brief respite from nursing classes currently consists of a semester of core education courses this summer, including an American Institutions requiring 20 hours of some type of community service. What better way to help satisfy this requirement by volunteering at Evies school?

As expected, being a chaperone on a field trip for an autistic school is different. There are no school buses, the staff to student ratio is excellent, and quite a few times, not all of the students attend.

As she hasn't found a solid way to communicate, Evie is in what's considered the low functioning *classroom so it's very easy to tell when there are other children, especially girls absent. The other girl in her class wasn't there at the field trip which was disappointing for me because it's much easier to compare her to my own child. Not to see whose child is better or more advanced but I've become fascinated by other girls with autism since I don't see them as often and it's easier for me to relate to their parents. Having autistic girls bring on a whole other slew of parental worries**.

The field trip was to the BYU duck pond to float boats they decorated down a small stream, followed by a trip to a small playground nearby. I'm not sure if it's because it's more cost effective or there's a greater chance of meltdowns, students are transported by private vehicle either by their own volunteering parents or staff members. Evie was happy to go on a car ride, when the weather warms up she loves it when I crack open a window and has her hand out in the breeze.

Of course her feelings of contentment quickly ended when we got to the pond...

For whatever reason she seems to cycle in adaptability with new surroundings. One month, she goes with the flow no problem. Another month she screams bloody murder which is what she seems to be doing now. The peacefulness of the wooded area was broken by screams of my daughter, oblivious to the charms of little ducklings clamoring below for old bread. A well-put together mom nearby with her equally well-put together young girls and their perfect pinterest hair glared a bit, her well-put together picnic being interrupted by some screaming kid who appears to be old enough to know better. I resisted all temptation to chuck old bread at her, knowing she'd feel differently if she was lucky enough to know someone like my child.

Through the magical powers of Ringo Starr on my phone, Evie eventually settled and ended up having a great day. We walked up above the pond where the stream was and let me help her put her little blue boat in the water. She later led me to a bench to sit until it was time to go to the park.

This was when the meltdowns began. Two other children became upset they had to leave the wooded area, not understanding we were going to a place to have snacks, swing, and slide. It was interesting though to watch the staff members interact with them. They understood you can't simply reason with them. They can merely explain to the best of their ability to help transition, despite being kicked or bit. Admittedly, I was happy it wasn't my kid and that Evie despite, being non-verbal, doesn't hit or kick (remind me next time she's screaming like mandrake.) Watching them interact with the children, all of them, reaffirmed how lucky we are to have our daughter at a school like this.

Evie had a blast at the park. She loves play structures and was running from bench to bench, pounding on the table for sensory stimulation. Even taking my hand over to join her. All and all it was a great experience and I'm looking forward to volunteering more.

*I still struggle to classify her as low-functioning but that's for a later post.
** another topic for a future blog post.