For the past couple of weeks, perhaps even a month, she has started to scream bloody murder.
She screams when I drop her off at school, screams when we go to church, screams at the store; gone for now is my sweet child that I could formally boast "yeah she doesn't speak but she has no behavior issues whatsoever."
Is it a phase? Is it circumstantial? I think it's a little of both. This morning for instance, she's fine driving to school, whimpers a bit, but the second I pull into her school? Screams. This afternoon, I let her watch one cartoon, I turn it off wail. Not wail, SCREAM! I explain to her "okay you can watch one more while I make dinner then you're all done okay?" She stops crying. I give her a five minute warning, then one minute, then 'click.' Three... two... one... SCREAM!!!
I wanted to turn it back on, I did. I knew if I did she would stop and all would be right but how is that helping her? How is that helping her development to reinforce that 1. If I scream I get what I want? and 2. Well, I can do what I want. So I kept it off. From 1810 to 1950 she screamed. Red in the face, blotchy crocodile tears. I do have to acknowledge she did give me some respite around 1900 which was kind as someone came by the house but the second they left... SCREAM!!!!!!! And of course she would do this when its my husbands night rotation at work...
At the forty minute mark, I attempted to record her screams just because I'm a sharing, caring person. Unfortunately they sounded quite muffled as I was covering the camera with my finger. (I just remembered I have a voice memo app on my phone... duh.) It was so bad that it honestly sounded as though I was personally muffling her with a pillow-which for the record I would never, ever do. The greatest skill a parent can have is knowing when to walk away and give yourself a break, even if it is just to run out to the farthest corner of your backyard for a moment.
At the start I thought, "What would I do if she was normal? Would I give in to a nuclear grade tantrum?" Never! Instead I tried to find a happy mental place while figuring this out. I know it's her way to communicate. I knew she wasn't physically hurt, so what to do? With my other kids, I would tell them to go to their room to calm down. I walked her back to my room (she prefers it) and told her you need to calm down it's not your turn. And sat with her she continued to walk out of the room. So I put her back (repeat for 20 minutes). I went to go check on dinner so I left her (with the door ajar so she could open it) and as expected she came out screaming walking up to the TV then something miraculous happened, she stopped!
And what would this super mom do to any other child that calmed down? Give positive reinforcement! I ran over and gave her a hug and said I was so proud she calmed herself down. What did she do? SCREAM!!!!!!!!!
She eventually calmed herself down and went to bed. In hindsight I should have given in. I was so focused on her and trying to find a way for her to communicate or find some kind of alternate activity I forgot that in less than 48 hours, I have two comprehensive final exams.
That's the thing about autism. There is no happy ending. Autism is a spectrum, a blanket diagnosis for thousands of individuals with varying degrees of abilities and impairments. Unlike other disorders, there is no clear diagnosis or prognosis. What may work for one kid, may just do the opposite in another. And as aware as I know she is of people and things around her, so long as she has no real set way to communicate or express herself, she will always be considered low functioning and that breaks this tough stubborn Dane.
Its times like these I try to focus on how far she's come. She's willing to touch and explore the backyard more... She helps get dressed a bit... She's doing better with feeding herself... She stopped hitting the unsecured flatscreen when she wanted tv because we redirected her... She doesn't bite... She has no feeding issues...She doesn't run off (anymore.) I used to think of the wonderful Carly Fleishmann. A non-verbal autistic child who at the age of eleven began out of the blue use a keyboard to communicate. Now she's written a book, attends college, and last I checked is actively trying to get herself on Oprah.
But then again, she had the benefit of multiple therapists coming to her home in addition to going to a special school. There's no way we can provide that kind of intervention. The best we could do was become more in debt by moving 300 miles so she could be in the safest school possible when she started her kindergarten year, giving what we thought would be the best start instead of staying in a school district with a sub-par special education program.
I wish I had some type of conclusion to this entry, a great paragraph filled with hope and optimism that ties everything together but I don't- and I probably wont for a very long time.
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